I started this blog several years ago to be a conversation between friends. I wanted honest and real truth even through the hard stuff. I never want it to seem, here on the blog or Facebook or anywhere else, like I am perfect, have it all together, and have these great words strung together in impactful sentences and thats all. Uhm, no.
I’ve wanted to be a missionary to Africa since I was a teenager. So, there was a part of me that always hoped this blog would eventually have a missions tab where I would discuss the missions process and missionary life. Guess what, it does! Some of my posts are like they used to be, scripture/devotional based and focused on a Christian lifestyle. Some of them will now be focused on missions and this process. That is what this one is, missions based. Whether you’re a fellow missionary, a friend, family member, or someone who just stumbled upon this blog, I hope that this blog speaks to you. Because, yes, I am writing this from a unique place in my life of being a missionary associate who is itinerating, but the things discussed are valuable and adaptable for every season of life.
Now, onto the “honest and real truth even through the hard stuff.”
I know and can quickly state to you that “God is in control. God knows what He is doing. God knew when this pandemic would come and He knew when I would be approved for Africa.” It’s the truth and I whole heartedly believe it. But when something happens that blindsides you and completely changes everything you thought you had planned, there is often a process in remembering these truths.
I was approved as a missionary associate to Africa last year. “My plan” was to train up someone to take over the children’s church (I was the children’s pastor), have a “last” holiday season with my family and friends, itinerate, and leave for Togo in August 2020. Sounds great, right? I thought so… Then, itinerating doesn’t move as fast as expected, Corona comes and shuts down everything, and the borders are closed to Togo. The way things look right now I will be heading to Togo at the end of January, 6 months after when I’d hoped to be there.
I’ll be honest. Discouragement for sure set in. I was disappointed and discouraged. I know that I know this is not a mistake and I am called to Africa and Togo specifically for such a time as this. So, why the delay? Thing after thing was cancelled, didn’t go how I planned or pictured, and was not what I hoped for.
I’ve been processing a lot. I haven’t been able to articulate my thoughts so I’m hoping they make sense as you read them today.
I’ve felt like I’m stuck. Green light to be a missionary associate, green light having a last holiday season, green light finding a new children’s director, green light at pre-field orientation. Then… a red light. Covid comes and everything seems to change. The pause feeling is also because I don’t know how to move forward. All the things that I pictured and planned are different, so… what now? Pause.
In the midst of all of this there are a lot of emotions that come with moving to another country. Friends are moving on with their lives, planning things, expanding families and again, I feel paused. I’m able to talk and be excited in the moment, but I know that I will not be here much longer, I wont be able to enjoy and celebrate the things they are talking about. I go between feeling sad about it, excited for them, nostalgic for “what if’s” and a bit numb to it all. Part of me feels like I would have been able to mask these feelings if itineration were a bit busier. But, is masking these things productive, or should I process them? Pause.
At the beginning of this year I felt my “theme” for the year was “Be Still” little did I know how literally that would apply. I also am meditating on something a friend told me this week, wait well. Wait well. When my friend said this to me I almost asked them to stop talking for a few minutes so I could process the weight of these two words. I have written another blog with thoughts on this, but before you read that one, take some time to journal and reflect on what waiting well means and looks like to you specifically and in your season. Ive included the link to the blog below this paragraph. I’ve been learning a lot, processing a lot, thinking a lot, and I want to share this. I just wanted to write my process this season. Maybe you’re in a similar waiting season, or are navigating disappointment. God hasn’t left us, He hasn’t failed and isn’t sleeping.
“God is our refuge and strength (mighty and impenetrable), a very present and well-proved help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change and though the mountains be shaken and slip into the heart of the seas, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its roaring. Selah.
There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy dwelling places of the Most High. God is in the midst of her (His city), she will not be moved; God will help her when the morning dawns. The nations made an uproar, the kingdoms tottered and were moved; He raised His voice, the earth melted. The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our stronghold (our refuge, our high tower). Selah.
Come, behold the worlds of the Lord, who has brought desolations and wonders on the earth. He makes wars to cease to the end of the earth; He breaks the bow into pieces and snaps the spear in two; He burs the chariots with fire. ‘Be still and know (recognize, understand: that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations! I will be exalted in the earth.’ The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our stronghold (our refuge, our high tower). Selah.”
Psalm 46
Selah. Pause.
Even here, even when we are asked to wait, even when we are discouraged, even when our plans are thrown out… He is our refuge, strength, present, mighty, impenetrable, stronghold, high tower. He is in our midst, He will help us. Be still and know. Selah, friends. Wait well. Pause.
Choose to focus on God in this. Instead of keeping our eyes on what we had planned, what we expected things to look like, what we thought would be happening, how we thought everything would go. Let’s take our eyes off of ourselves and put them on Christ. He is our Answer.